5 Reasons Kids Avoid Learning

Sometimes, kids just don't want to do the work! Try not to take it personally. It's more about what's
happening within your child and less about deliberate disrespect. Here are some reasons your child might be avoiding or resisting learning at home.

• It's too hard:  Kids who are avoiding a learning task often feel intimidated by it. They don't understand the concept, directions, or strategies to complete the task. They might lack the skills needed to succeed. Sometimes, the skills are brand new to them and they lack the confidence to try them out.
• What they need:  Respond with real empathy. Let them focus on only one thing at a time (a concept, skill, or strategy). Reteach it in a different way using visuals, simplified language, and examples. Model it, do it together, then have them try it independently. If they are completely overwhelmed, frustrated, or in tears, they are not ready for this task. Give them some time to recover. Later, move backwards to the concept, skill, or strategy that they feel comfortable in to reinforce their feeling of success.
• Try this:  I totally understand that. Sometimes that happens to me, too. Which part feels hard? Tell me more about that.   /   You're noticing that your brain says, "This is HARD!" When you feel that, it usually means your brain is LEARNING! That's good!   /   Let's take a deep breath together. Now, we'll only look at this part. Watch. Let's try together. 

• They're afraid of taking risks:  Some kids don't want to even start a task if they aren't confident they will succeed. Others are so overwhelmed with open-ended tasks that they aren't sure where to begin. Kids who struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, or ADHD often find themselves here. No matter the reason, it's our job to prove to them it's safe to make mistakes and give them small tastes of success until they have enough confidence to do it independently.
• What they need:  Respond with real empathy and acknowledge their struggle. Emphasize that mistakes help us learn; they're a good thing! Break the task up into smaller pieces, and use a simple/short list as a visual aid. Reframe their attitude about the task with humor. Set a short timer and an easily-attainable goal to build up their confidence with success.
• Try this:  How do you feel about this? Yeah, I get that. There are times I feel like that, too. I feel stuck or scared I'll make a mistake. Do you feel like that sometimes?   /   Mistakes are actually AWESOME. Did you know that? Really! Mistakes are awesome because they help us learn. When you make a mistake, your brain remembers it and gets smarter! So really, the more mistakes you make, the smarter you get.   /   What's the first thing you need to do? Maybe we can make a list to help.   /   Is that silly Worry Bug bugging you again? Tell it, "Shoo! I've got work to do!"    /   Let's set a timer. I wonder how much you can do before it stops!

• It's too boring:  We all understand this one. Unfortunately, there are tasks we need to do even if they're boring. Kids are still learning this type of self-discipline and need our empathetic support to build it up. Boredom can occur even if the task is at the right level for your child. It can be difficult to determine if this is the case or if the task is truly too easy for them. (Observe how they complete similar tasks with the same concept, skill, or strategy. If they have mastered this level, they are ready to move on to something a little more challenging. Take it slow to pinpoint their exact needs.)
• What they need:  Respond with real empathy. Explain why it's important and worth doing (How will they benefit later from completing this task now?). Remind them that everyone needs to make balanced choices (doing what we need, even if it's not exactly what we want) to keep our minds and bodies healthy. Set a timer and clearly state your expectations for what they need to accomplish before the timer is done. Encourage them with positive reminders. Give them choices within the required task.
• Try this:  I know, right? Sometimes I feel bored, too. Thank you for letting me know how you feel.   /  This is important because it helps your brain learn. It's healthy for your brain to practice ___.   /   Later, in __ grade, you will learn __. Doing this right now will get your brain ready for that.   /   When you're a grown-up, you'll need to be able to __. Before you can do that, your brain needs lots of practice while you're still a kid.   /   Sometimes it helps me to set a timer when I feel like this. Let's try that. I want you to ___ before it's done. Ready? Set? Go!   /   Remember, "You don't stop until the timer stops!" Keep it up!   /   Would you like to use a pencil, marker, or pen to write with? Which paper will you use? Do you want to work for 5 minutes or 6 minutes?

• They're distracted:  Their environment heavily affects kids' learning. Think about what qualities of your environment help you focus when you're working. Can you focus with music? Next to a window? If your seat is uncomfortable? What if your work area is a mess? Or in a completely blank space? The list is endless and everyone has their own unique preferences for helping them focus. When your child is avoiding their learning, consider their environment.
• What they need:  Talk with your child about a "Focus Spot" or a "Learning Spot." Ask them specific questions about what helps them focus and what distracts them. Work with them to find one or two good options for this learning area. Guide them into making it their own (add a surface to write on, a comfortable seat, any tools they need for their task, quiet music, etc.). Remind them that this area will be used for learning.
• Try this:  Think about what helps you stay focused when you're working on a learning task. Let's make a list of what works best for you.   /  Music or no music? Around other people or alone? Sitting in a chair, on the floor, or standing? At a table or with a clipboard? Dim or bright light? Outside or inside? With your pet or without? 

• YOU:  Ok, I know I said not to take it personally earlier, but sometimes we create the problem. Are you watching their every move or giving them space to succeed independently? Did you make the choices around this task or did you let your child make their own choice? Did you invite (a.k.a. "gently require") them to do this or did you demand it? Are your expectations unclear, developmentally inappropriate, or beyond your child's ability level? Don't worry. There are ways to prevent running into this problem.
• What they need:  Give them space to work independently and attempt to solve their own problems. Give them lots of choices so they have a sense of ownership and control. (Only offer choices in which you don't mind the outcome. Never offer something as a choice if you don't want them to choose it.) Invite them to try the new skill or strategy. Hold them to attainable, clear, developmentally appropriate expectations. Provide freedom and choice within a structured routine. Praise their growth. Recognize their struggles with real empathy. 
• Try this:  Try it on your own. I'll be over here if you need me.   /   Which book will you read today? Will you sit in the blue chair or the red one? Do you want to set the timer, or do you want me to?   /   What a cool new adding strategy you just learned! I wonder if you'll try it now or later today.   /   And that's how to draw a cat. Are you ready to try it?   /   It's time for math. I wonder which math game you're going to practice with first.   /   You are working hard on this!   /   I remember when you needed lots of time to read that word. Now you read it so fast! I can see your brain is learning.   /   You tried your best, but you still got the answer wrong. That's rough. When that happens to me, I feel upset, too.

No matter the reason your child is avoiding their learning, they deserve to be met with respect, empathy, and patience. Remember: You're not a bad parent; They're not a bad kid. You just need the right resources and strategies.

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