Parents and other adults say things like, "I don't know how you do it! I'm just not that patient," or, "I'm not a very patient person." If you agree with these statements, I hope this will change your mind.
Patience is not a talent. It's a skill. Your ability to be patient in any situation, including with your young child's learning, is not something you are born with or without. It is a skill. Just like any other skill you have (driving, cooking, reading, etc.), you had to learn it. If you feel like you "just don't have the patience" to help your young child learn, know that you have the ability to change that. After all, doesn't your child deserve to be treated with patience while they learn?
Delayed Response
What I would consider one of the secrets to patience is simply delaying your response to the situation for a moment. This can be difficult because so many of us tend to react immediately without filtering our words or actions. Suppressing your knee-jerk reaction involves a few mental/emotional steps:
- Take a breath and process the situation. What's going on?
- Recognize your own emotions about this situation. How do you feel about this?
- Consider the best response. This might take a moment. (Buy yourself time with neutral-toned phrases like: "Okay. Tell me more about this." or "So, how do you feel about this?")
- Filter your reaction. Use an appropriate tone of voice, and respond with real empathy and kindness.
Kindness
It sounds so simple, but patience and kindness go hand-in-hand. Showing kindness to your young child doesn't mean that you are a push-over. You can be kind while still keeping firm boundaries and holding your child accountable for their actions. Here's a few tips on how to show kindness to your child:
- Use respectful language. No one can learn when they don't feel respected.
- Stay neutral. A neutral tone of voice and neutral facial expression helps keep everyone's emotions from escalating. It invites solutions to problems rather than emotional reactions to problems.
- Ask questions (but not "WHY?"). Showing an interest in the details of a situation or your child's perspective of it can help them feel understood. Ask them anything (how, when, who, what, which, where) except the word "why." Young children usually find questions that begin with "why" too broad and difficult to answer accurately. They often don't actually know why they did/said something, but they can tell you what happened before that, who was there, when they felt frustrated, how they tried to fix it, etc.
Forgiveness
Kids need to make mistakes in order to learn. Sometimes, they need to make the same mistakes over and over. It's important to forgive these mistakes so your child can continue learning. Try these ideas:
- Practice expressing real empathy for your child. Believe that they want to learn and that it is your job to give them the strategies and guidance to be successful. Even if the problem seems insignificant to you, recognize the importance it might hold for your child. Help them work through the normal emotions that might come with trying to solve that problem.
- Give out second chances and fresh starts. Let them reset and try the task again later. Don't hold their past mistakes against them. Instead, encourage them to view their mistakes as helping them learn for next time.
- Help them reflect. Ask them what might work better next time. Help them write or draw a short plan (1 to 3 steps) that they can use as a tool when they have this problem again. Keep the plan in an area your child can easily access.
- Encourage them to persevere! Remind them that their mistakes will help them make better choices as they keep practicing. Praise them for taking risks, trying again, and being brave enough to accept their mistakes.
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